MPJ Entry # 2 : Acceptance
Time check 11:47 pm and I’m just realizing and writing this now.
I struggle with a lot of things recently and ending up shutting people out. Heck, sometimes I can go all day not talking to everyone and every time I feel like somebody’s crossing or invading my private and personal space, I snap and get too defensive.
From time to time, I have this tendency to build up imaginary boundaries easily as a defense mechanism. It’s because I feel like if I let them in again they will eventually let me down one way or another.
Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and although I did my routine, I realized my pride still hasn’t left me. This is my pride talking. I manifested it as a sleepy feeling and it felt like I’m in some kind of a dark room that I think I won’t be able to get out from today. I slept all day. I took my afternoon nap too long and when I woke up I put on earphones and it’s either I listen to youtube or I watch series all by myself not letting anyone talk to me. It is kind of rude, I know. But I don’t even have anything to say to start a conversation or I don’t even have the strength to do so. Or–to be more precise and honest–I just don’t really want talking.
So, this is all about living in the moment, right? Feeling the moment even if you don’t like living in the now because of the situation. What happens if you don’t like what’s happening with you now? There are apparently three things you can do. People can either (a) change it, (b) run away from it, or (c) face it. But what happens if you can’t change it? What if today is really a bad day for me?
I’d be lying if I said this is not my pride. I’m human and all humans have a lot of emotions they naturally feel and I’m not saying this to get away from shutting people out. I’m saying this straight. I shut them out today because my pride was acting up. But just because I identified my emotion as pride, a negative emotion, doesn’t mean it’s invalid.
I have decided to let me feel this way today. Indulge into it while productively assessing my thoughts and my self–which is basically just watching the things I think about–which effectively led to the identification of my dominant emotion (pride). One important highlight about mindfulness is that you should watch that feeling without any judgments. Which means, I’m not gonna tell myself this is wrong and I should not feel this way. I’m telling my self that this is exactly what I feel. And identifying it means that I’m done with phase one. I know what to do with it now. Some people are too proud and they don’t even know it. And the disadvantage about that is that they won’t be able to address that emotion.
And so I’ve decided to letter c : suck this up. Until I don’t have to anymore. This may sound shitty but this is acceptance. Accepting and acknowledging that I feel this way. Just like telling my self that, “Okay. This is how I feel today. I feel depressed and that I don’t feel like talking to anyone because my pride is acting up.” I can’t lie to myself, and I don’t want to act like I’m feeling good today because I’m not. Just like how Ariana Grande sings her song: “fuck a fake smile.”
Maybe tomorrow it will be gone, maybe another day. Some emotions fade fast, and some, you have a hard time letting go; but it’s not like it will stay. Remember: Everything is a phase. This too shall pass. I know I’m gonna get out of this dark room pretty soon because I like hanging out with my family even though sometimes we suck. This is me torturing my self. My pride torturing me. I will be its slave today but tomorrow, maybe I won’t.
If you feel grief inside you, feel it. Cry it out.
If you feel happy, feel it. Make it last.
If you feel not okay, feel it too.
Feel it all until it lasts.